Too Scared To Tell You Outright

I just needed to say

how it bothers me

that i don’t hug you

or even really just talk to you.

it bothers me

that you’ll just look at me

and i’ll look at you

and then

nothing

we’re silent.

even on skype that one time

i just feel

isolated

away from the world

the entire world

and it makes me

sad

that two people

can just

base everything

off nothing

we don’t see each other

outside of la esculea 

at all

and still

you drive me crazy

like you always have

i know i hurt him

but i hurt him

because i love you

and lying

about what happened

would have made me feel

worse

than i do now

I don’t understand this

i don’t know

I just had to say it

because i’m scared

to lose you completely

 

I Only Have Myself To Blame

Who do you like? 

Goddamnit.

I’m so angry at myself.

Why does it have to be this way?

You were one of the guy friends I didn’t want to lose.

Do not like me.

I know you do. I know it.

Sadly I was selfish enough to still talk to you in the same way

It’s my fault completely, I led you on.

Led you on and broke you.

I shouldn’t have asked who you liked, knowing the answer.

I was tired of the random flirts and I wanted to know if was true and…

I hurt you.

If you could read my blog, this would be an apology.

I really am truly sorry.

You’re thinking about it a lot and I know it.

I started to really get to know you for like two weeks

Somehow I still know you like that.

You told me you were in tears.

You told me a mutual friend was talking you through it.

That mutual friend kinda lashed on me..

                                               {Sir Double D} IS RUINING YOUR LIFE.

                                             No he is not. He loves me. 

That was the best thing for me to say. It’s true, right?

Right?

This could not have all been for nothing, right?

Please be right.

                                        He even told me he was just being a horny teenager.

I couldn’t reply. I think I said something like

                                           he’s using me?

There were bits and pieces of my heart just kinda

kinda

shattering.

And then I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

A guy cried over me.

I broke a guy’s heart like it was nothing.

And at the time I felt almost nothing about it.

Now I do.

I feel terrible.

Terrible for the guy.

I can not take back me telling him I wasn’t  liking him.

I did nothing.

I now can not take back his feeling..

his feeling as if he was

shattered.

 

Erik, asedftfuhbinnjkm, it isn’t your fault. I promise. It’s mine. Getting mad at each other about this won’t help.. Though I understand why you would be mad at me.

Reckless

It started with a promise, a lonely vow

and it wasn’t supposed to go further

I wanted to make sure of that.

my hands were shaking

our bodies close

then there were your lips

and there were mine

then they were one.

that was okay

 

It started with a kiss, a hopeful start

and none of this, i believe,

were in either of our hearts

our lips were moving

slow, careless, suspiciously

your hands were grabbing

feeling, touching, groping

and strangely this was normal

so i let it happen

and swore to not let it go farther

 

It started with a “no”

and it was supposed to end there

as our hands

and our lips

ventured around the other.

honestly, i was petrified

though somehow,  enchanted

so i let it happen

and enjoyed a loose , forgetful mind

only clearing as

i promised not to let it happen again

 

It ended alone

walking down an empty corridor

i saw stars, hazy stars

i could not stop

looking at my own hands

i could not stop

worrying what i had done

which all the more

cleared reasons  i told him no

in the first place

 

 

 

 

 

 

She’s Bleeding Confidence-Just At My Expense

You must be very quiet about this- It’s pretty hushhush. 

 

My best friend..

This part is for you: I love you so much and right now- at this very moment- I’m acting like I know nothing to you.

Can you keep a secret?

I know everything.

Her boyfriend… Me… But not together… I just- I know it all.

Can you keep a secret? At least until it gets out to her? 

Her boyfriend wants her…So badly…He wants her so badly.. By the end of this year-he wants her and her body… 

But mostly her body. 

That’s what he told me. 

Don’t tell anyone. 

I can’t ruin this for her.

She’s so happy, blissful…peaceful.

I can’t be the best friend who ruins it for her.

She wouldn’t ever trust another guy.

I’ve been asking myself all day-Why did he have to tell me about his stupid bet?

I told two people about this.

My love and Mr. Future President.

From what I gather, Mr. Future President told her that we know something.

To be honest, I don’t understand the freaking-out about this. I’m pissed only because it’s my best friend and the way he talked to me about her when he told me about the bet-like she was an object.. I don’t understand how a guy can be like this. I have a love that cares for me- And I know that there is so much greatness in our relationship.. I can’t understand what happened.

He walked up to me in math class with a smile and says “Miquel and I have a bet”

I asked what it was

He says “Miquel thinks I can’t lose my virginity by the end of this year”

And he smiles

So I asked what his side of the bet was

And he told me that he was going to lose his virginity by the end of the year

That’s sorta mixed up-

Oh well

Anyhow

SO I looked at him and all i could say was her name.

And he replies that that is what he meant

And I looked at him and said “Good luck, she’s waiting until ater marriage

“

Because, that’s true, she told me so

And his face dropped

And he told me he will eventually win the bet-Like it was nothing.

Like she meant nothing.

Oh, and he looked at me, So i looked straight at her… and he said “And not a word to her”.

Like I wouldn’t ever tell anyone.

Glaring at /r/depression Because I Found It On Reddit

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

— Dorothy Parker

 

She was never perfect.

Her Grades were never that great,

And more often than not,

She let her emotions get the best of her

She was rash, impulsive,

And my god, so naive.

She had no Idea what she was starting

The day she first picked up that blade.

How could she? She was only 14.

She dug a hole and jumped in, thinking ‘to hell with the consequences’

All she wanted was for the pain to stop

She let her razor take control, feeling better as she watched the blood drop

18 and a half years of being told she wasn’t good enough

They had no idea how deep their words struck

4 years of trying and then giving up

the more she reached out, the more hope she lost

Her life became a destructive cycle

She was hurting everyone around her

And then she couldn’t take it anymore

Her blood ran

Her world swam

Her heart raced with the fear that she’d gone too far

She was never perfect

She let her depression get the better of her. It could happen to anyone.

One miscalculation. She pressed to hard. She thought she had it under control.

All it took was one slip and she almost lost it all.

Life isn’t easy for anyone, but don’t you dare give up.

I promise it gets better; you don’t have to do this alone. Or at all.

Throw the blade away. Say no to drugs. Put the bottle down.

Not everyone is lucky enough to make it out with just a scar.

 

i can’t read it anymore. I can’t. No. No. It’s kinda comforting to know there are no razors in the house. I’m not going through with that again, you know? I looked at my arms the other day at lunch and i was kinda proud.. I’m doing okay. I promise. 

 

My love, I hope to see you in my dreams soon. If I can not sleep I will imagine you here with me. It’s nice to think about you, it really is.

I found a quote I like

“Once you know how it feels to lose someone like yourself, then you’ll either see life in a new perspective or you’ll join me”

#Goodnight

“I love you”
“With all my heart”
“Forever?”
“And ever.”
“And always”

If I Just Save You, Then You Can Save Me Too

All I wanted was to tell you to go to bed or else you’d be irritable. I got shut out.

When the sun rose, all I could think was “Kill me now?”

But things don’t go the way I like.

I was there, with my IPod  Zoning out on the rest of the world. It felt nice. I wasn’t alone, all of my friends were right next to me, but at the same time I kept my distance easily.

I was sitting there, in the grass after school. My friend Martin was laying in the grass next to me and I was just sitting there, thinking. That’s when I felt my own tears slowly rolling down my face. I looked straight at Martin and he didn’t notice I was there. Another tear fell. I feel like this was the moment where I realized how unhappy I was. How unhappy I am.

Later, when I was at home I just walking up the 16 stairs… I walked into my room, layed on my bed and just..cried.

I cried because of you, because of him, because you, and you and you.

I cried because I feel as if I am slowly isolating myself.

I cried because I want to be pretty oh so badly.

Because of all the stares I get. Cold, mean stares.

I cried because I feel like no matter what I do, I’m going to fail.

What am I feeling?

I can’t even comprehend the littlest things in my head.

I can’t even look in the mirror without thinking how terrible I look.

 

My head feels like it’s going to burst and the world spins

faster

faster

faster

 

The grass doesn’t even look that green to me anymore.

Will it ever?

 

 

 

 

Nobody Wanna Be Alone, Alone Tonight

I hate this push

and pull

feeling

of being somebody’s

toy- a yo-yo

when they need you

they’ll pull you in

tight

but then theres

times when the that person

drops

the yo-yo to the floor

but when

the yo-yo gets

picked up

the yo-yo is

ready

for whatever comes next

because yo-yo’s are only personal entertainment

a toy

you

only

show off

when you have found a new

trick

to test on your little toy

because

your toy will let you

and

forgive you

when you are done

being a yo-yo

is the

worst

especially when

you are lost

but can not leave

because you are still somewhere in their sights

that’s the worst

part of it all

feeling alone

because the yo-yo has been

thrown out of

pure frustration

and they do not mean it

you think

but you never

really

know

ya know?

 

Why Do You Make It Hard To Smile

I’m getting rid of you tomorrow.

You’re never done with me

I am. You hurt everything I know.

Except you. 

That’s not true. You hurt me too.

If I hurt you, then you deserve it. 

I’m stronger than you

But weak enough to have me in the first place.

I believe that I don’t need you anymore, and I’m sorry.

One last time. Old time sake. 

You said that last time. I’m done with you for good.

Liar. You’re just lying to yourself.

Let me be happy.

You’re going to lose all the things that make you happy

Because of you.

Dependency is not an issue here.

Yes it is. You’re going to ruin my life.

Just go across the street. I only want to make you better

Like hell.

Seriously. I’m here for you.

I don’t want to need you.

You need to want me.

Stop this.

You’re doing this all to yourself. 

I can’t hear you

Worthless, stupid, prissy, lazy, bitch.

I’m not dong it.

You almost cried as they bugged you.

I saw the look of horror in his eyes.

God, you’re pathetic. He doesn’t want you, get it?

No. I don’t

Just give up already. You’re lying to me. And I hate that.

I do too.

Never again after now?

Never again after right now.

Beautiful picture

He’s gonna hate me you worthless piece of metal.

Who said he’ll know? 

LEAVE ME ALONE.